Speaking Your Truth

By

Charlie Efford

In today’s world of propaganda and lies it is becoming harder to know who is speaking truth.

Lies, by the way, are now labelled ‘misinformation’ and ‘disinformation’ by those in self-appointed authority.

I don’t know about you, but I am utterly fed up with being deceived and lied to. When someone lies to me, I usually know it is a lie instinctively. In that moment, my trust starts evaporating. I might wonder why they are lying, and I might even test out the truth of what they are saying. Once they get indignant about me not believing them, then I know they are lying. Sadly, lying is commonplace and acceptable at all levels in society. Our national leaders hardly set a good example!

The question I want to explore though, is why speaking truth is so difficult?

In the ‘Coaching’ world, much is made of being authentic or genuine. I trained as a person-centred psychotherapist, during which I came across the concept of ‘congruence’. I find it a very helpful way to explore what is involved in speaking your truth.

Carl Rogers, who developed the person-centred approach to congruence identified six core conditions that were necessary and sufficient for effective therapy. Of these, three are regarded as the central conditions. These are:

• Empathy (being willing to understand what it like to be in the other person’s shoes)
• Unconditional Positive Regard (valuing and prizing the humanity in the other person)
• Congruence (being able to speak your truth accurately and appropriately)

Although these concepts emerged from the therapeutic world, my experience has been that they apply equally well to everyday relationships. All of these are ways of ‘being’ rather than techniques. Effective relationships rely on all three being present at the same time. Congruence without Unconditional Positive Regard will usually be experienced as criticism rather than feedback for example.

Congruence

Carl Rogers thoughts on congruence were:

“In this particular moment of this immediate relationship with this specific person, the therapist is completely and fully himself, with his experience of the moment being accurately symbolised and integrated into the picture he holds of himself”.

What he meant was, the therapist was fully aware of their emotions, feelings and thoughts in the moment and was able to accurately interpret them. To be congruent requires a willingness to be open and honest with yourself. This means being open to the bits that you like – as well as the ones you don’t like. This is not easy for many, especially in an environment where showing weakness is dangerous. In other words, it can take courage to really face up to who you are.

The other interesting thought is that awareness of who you are is a process of discovery. I am aware of aspects of who I am that I had no idea about twenty years ago. My truth, which was accurate in the past, is no longer valid. Even though I was unaware of these aspects, they were almost certainly present in my unconscious and having an impact on the way I affected people.

My conclusion is that speaking your truth can only be as good as the inner awareness you have of yourself. And this takes me onto my next point.

Appropriate Transparency

‘Appropriate Transparency’ means it is not necessary to speak all your truth. Blurting out everything on your mind with no consideration for the other person is indulgent at best. What is important is that what you do say is in alignment with what you are thinking and feeling. In other words, you are not lying or attempting to deceive. When it comes to deciding what to say, I have always found the Buddhist ‘Four Gates of Speech’ helpful.

Before speaking consider:

• Is what I have to say true?
• Is what I have to say necessary?
• Is what I am saying kind?
• Is it the right time?

I would also like to add two more tips for those wanting to be congruent and appropriately transparent.

The first one is to ‘own’ your words. Phrases such as, “My understanding is …”, “My sense is…”, “I feel that …”, can all be offered as gifts to the other person. When you are more definitive, for example, “You are…”, your words become arrows that need to be defended against (which means they will probably not be heard or accepted).

My second tip is to be more tentative in the way you speak in these moments. I know the ‘positive thinking’ movement encourages firm statements, but bold words do not usually foster open relationships. I often say things like “It seems to me…”, or “I wonder if this is happening …”.

Summary

Speaking your truth can be hard. It often requires courage to both be honest with yourself and to take the risk of being open and honest with someone else. I see speaking your truth as a ‘way of being’ and a skill that can be developed. It becomes more effective when you add empathy and a genuine appreciation of the other person into the mix. When you can communicate openly, honestly, and appropriately there is the possibility of healthy relationships based on trust. In our current world of perpetual lies and deceit wouldn’t this be a much nicer way to live?